Attachment Styles in Adults: Why Your Nervous System is Running the Relationship
Let’s start with some good news:
If you’ve ever thought, “Why do I react like this in relationships?”—you are not broken.
You are attached.
Attachment styles in adults aren’t personality flaws or diagnoses. They’re the strategies your nervous system learned early on to keep you safe, connected, and (ideally) loved. While these strategies made sense once, they can get… a little messy when we try to use them in adult relationships with other fully formed humans who also have nervous systems.
Fun, right?
Attachment Styles in Adults Are Not About Labels (Even Though We Love Labels)
People love asking me, “What’s my attachment style?”
And I get it. There is something deeply soothing about a label. It gives understanding to the chaos. It says, “Ohhh, that’s why I do that.”
But attachment styles in adults aren’t concrete boxes you live in forever. They’re patterns. Habits of the nervous system that show up most clearly when closeness, conflict, or uncertainty enter the room.
In other words:
Your attachment style shows up when you care.
Anxious Attachment: When Connection Feels Like Oxygen
If you lean anxious, your nervous system is highly attuned to relationships. You notice shifts quickly—tone changes, energy drops, pauses in texting that feel… suspicious.
When connection feels threatened, your body responds with urgency:
Racing thoughts
Tight chest
A strong pull to talk, fix, clarify, or reconnect RIGHT NOW
This isn’t neediness.
This isn’t drama.
This is your nervous system saying, “Closeness equals safety.”
And honestly? It’s very dedicated.
Avoidant Attachment: When Space Feels Like Safety
If you lean avoidant, closeness can feel lovely… until it doesn’t.
When emotions intensify or expectations feel high, your nervous system may shift into self-protection:
Shutting down
Feeling numb or irritable
Wanting space, independence, or a quick exit
Connection starts to feel overwhelming, and distance feels regulating.
This isn’t coldness.
This isn’t lack of care.
This is your nervous system saying, “I can handle this better on my own.”
Which also makes sense—especially if independence once kept you safe.
Secure Attachment: Not Perfect, Just Flexible
Securely attached adults still get dysregulated. They still have bad days. They still occasionally say the wrong thing.
The difference? Their nervous systems can move between closeness and space without panicking. They trust that conflict can be repaired and that connection doesn’t disappear the moment things get uncomfortable.
Secure attachment isn’t about never struggling—it’s about recovering.
And yes, security can be learned.
Why Attachment Styles in Adults Show Up in the Body First
Here’s the part people often miss:
Attachment styles in adults live in the body, not just the mind.
You don’t choose your attachment response. It happens automatically—before logic, before insight, before your best communication skills show up.
That’s why telling yourself to “just calm down” or “not take it personally” rarely works. Your nervous system needs regulation before reflection.
This is where somatic practices, mindfulness, and slowing down become essential—not as trendy add-ons, but as foundational tools.
The Goal Isn’t to Change Your Attachment Style
I’ll say it again louder for the people in the back:
THE GOAL IS NOT TO BECOME A “PERFECTLY SECURE PERSON.”
The goal is to:
Notice your patterns with curiosity instead of shame
Learn how your body signals distress
Build the capacity to pause, regulate, and choose differently
Communicate needs without abandoning yourself—or the relationship
Attachment styles in adults aren’t problems to fix. They’re maps. And once you can read the map, you have options.
A Gentle Reminder (From Someone Who Does This for a Living)
Your attachment style formed in relationship.
And it heals in relationship.
With awareness.
With patience.
With a lot of compassion for your very human nervous system.
And maybe a sense of humor—because if we’re going to be triggered sometimes, we might as well be kind about it.
Your attachment style doesn’t exist alone—it dances with someone else’s. And sometimes that dance turns into the anxious–avoidant trap, where one person reaches for connection while the other reaches for space. If this feels familiar, you’re not failing at relationships—you’re watching attachment styles collide. Read my blog post on the anxious avoidant trap for more information:
I’m Rooting For You,
Bailey Charrois